Hacker Scripts — The Build Engineer Who Automated His Entire Life

Hacker Scripts — The Legend

GitHub: NARKOZ/hacker-scripts — 49,500+ ⭐ Original story: Russian forum bash.im (2015)

The Story

A build engineer left his company. His coworkers went through his old machine and found a collection of scripts that automated his entire life.

“The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown… If something — anything — requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.”

The Scripts

1. smack-my-bitch-up.sh

Sends a text message “late at work” to his wife. Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs via cron — fires if there are active SSH sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

2. kumar-asshole.sh

Scans inbox for emails from “Kumar” (a DBA at their client). Looks for keywords like “help”, “trouble”, “sorry”. If found — SSHes into the client’s server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Sends reply: “no worries mate, be careful next time.”

3. hangover.sh

Cron job set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like “not feeling well / gonna work from home” with a random reason from a predefined array. Fires if no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45 AM.

4. fucking-coffee.sh

Waits exactly 17 seconds, opens a telnet session to the office coffee machine (it ran Linux with a TCP socket), sends sys brew to start a mid-sized half-caf latte, waits 24 seconds for it to pour. Timing matched exactly how long it took to walk from his desk to the machine.

“holy sht I’m keeping those”*

Cron Schedule

• smack-my-bitch-up.sh — Mon-Fri 9:20 PM
• hangover.sh — Mon-Fri 8:45 AM
• kumar-asshole.sh — Every 10 minutes
• fucking-coffee.sh — Hourly 9AM-6PM weekdays

Languages

Shell, Ruby (with ports in Python, Perl, etc.)